13 Feb In the morning
It’s 10 am on a sunny Wednesday morning in North-West London and I’m drinking my morning coffee in bed. The espresso machine that became a new part of the kitchen in January is now the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. The thought of a double espresso, steamed soy milk and a (tad too big) dash of caramel syrup is what brings me out of my sleepy state and into a standing position.
The last blog post I wrote is titled “overwhelmed”. I’m telling you this because you wouldn’t know this unless you’ve read it. Which you haven’t, because I never posted it. I write more when I’m sad, but the morning after I never agree with the words I’ve put together, and so I leave it in the pile of drafts. I have felt overwhelmed lately, that is the truth. But I’m not going to over-dramatise it or get all existential about it. I’ve been sad, and stressed out, and overwhelmed. I’m in the midst of my most crucial months as a student, only a couple of months left until I graduate, of course, I feel like this. It’s normal.
But mornings like these make me feel better. An early start, a slow morning. New music playing from my lousy MacBook speakers, the taste of fresh coffee, and a few hours awake in bed before I have to put on my day-face and hurry to my lectures. Last night I managed to go to bed and fall asleep before midnight. This is something I never, ever achieve, and I felt thrilled with myself at the possibility of actually getting out of bed at 9 am and not sleeping in another three hours.
The absolute pleasure of feeling like I’m doing something right is delicious. My biggest personal issue is all the pressure I put on myself, the guilt-shame I constantly feel, always being terribly self-critical. Trust me, it’s not voluntary, I would stop if I could. But it’s not that easy, so I grab mornings like with both hands and squeeze out every bit of happiness from them. I did something right, I woke up when I said I would. I’m an ok person.
Now maybe I can do the next thing on my to-do-list. Somehow it feels slightly more achievable.