In the morning

It’s 10 am on a sunny Wednesday morning in North-West London and I’m drinking my morning coffee in bed. The espresso machine that became a new part of the kitchen in January is now the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. The thought of a double espresso, steamed soy milk and a (tad too big) dash of caramel syrup is what brings me out of my sleepy state and into a standing position.

The last blog post I wrote is titled “overwhelmed”. I’m telling you this because you wouldn’t know this unless you’ve read it. Which you haven’t, because I never posted it. I write more when I’m sad, but the morning after I never agree with the words I’ve put together, and so I leave it in the pile of drafts. I have felt overwhelmed lately, that is the truth. But I’m not going to over-dramatise it or get all existential about it. I’ve been sad, and stressed out, and overwhelmed. I’m in the midst of my most crucial months as a student, only a couple of months left until I graduate, of course, I feel like this. It’s normal.

But mornings like these make me feel better. An early start, a slow morning. New music playing from my lousy MacBook speakers, the taste of fresh coffee, and a few hours awake in bed before I have to put on my day-face and hurry to my lectures. Last night I managed to go to bed and fall asleep before midnight. This is something I never, ever achieve, and I felt thrilled with myself at the possibility of actually getting out of bed at 9 am and not sleeping in another three hours.

The absolute pleasure of feeling like I’m doing something right is delicious. My biggest personal issue is all the pressure I put on myself, the guilt-shame I constantly feel, always being terribly self-critical. Trust me, it’s not voluntary, I would stop if I could. But it’s not that easy, so I grab mornings like with both hands and squeeze out every bit of happiness from them. I did something right, I woke up when I said I would. I’m an ok person.

Now maybe I can do the next thing on my to-do-list. Somehow it feels slightly more achievable.

1 Comment
  • Audrey
    Posted at 22:23h, 14 February Reply

    I felt similarly during my last few months of college. And this week I’ve been feeling more slump-y than usual. Something that’s helped me is that last month I started committing to swimming 3x/wk, so now, even if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, totally unmotivated, I can at least get myself to the pool 3 out of 7 days. Exercise usually helps when I’m in a mood. And if I’m still in a mood afterward, at least I’ve exercised haha. Anyways, I guess I just said that to share that small achievements like these are worth celebrating too. Especially when we feel less than celebratory about our daily routine. Yes, getting out of bed too! One day at a time. You’re doing great Martine! -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey’s

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